Stimming like a muh fuh!

This post probably isn’t going to be as polished as I’d like. I’m typing it on my iPhone, which is actually not as tough or slow as I’d thought it might be. This is just a collection of my thoughts.

This whole aspie thing is still quite new to me. Clearly I’ve been me all of my life, but I’m still learning which aspects of me can be considered aspie traits. I’m consuming large amounts of data, mainly in the form of blogs and tweets from other people on the spectrum and in some cases the parents of people on the spectrum. It’s cool knowing there are others like me.

I’m just so tired from all the thinking. I feel like I could sleep for a million years. I’m balancing my “research” with my day job. I am a Software Developer and I am currently working on some very high profile projects which are all hitting crunch time.

I never used to think that I had any stims. I’m still not entirely sure if any of my self comfort techniques constitute stimming, but rest assured that I’m employing all of them to try and stave off shutting down. The only time I meltdown is when I’m fighting not to shutdown. It’s odd using those terms for something that for 27 years I had no name for. I’ve learnt that shutdowns are just part of who I am, they are necessary for me to be able to continue functioning. I tend to wring my hands a lot, I crack my knuckles, I have always had a tendency to bite my tongue and lips, I pace when I’m talking (I find it hard to stand still and talk/think), I listen to music my headphones. Eyes closed, headphones on, nodding my head and tapping my feet – paradise. In fact I’m listening to A Day To Remember at this very second. I talk to Lil’ Feet, I don’t think there’s been more than 24 hours that’s gone by where I haven’t text her. In general I find her very calming. It’s strange, I stop talking far more when I’m talking to her than with anyone else. I think it’s because I’m really being myself around her. She lets me ask loads of questions. So instead of just being quiet when I don’t understand something, I ask, I listen and I try and learn. My brain spins up to maximum when I’m talking to her. When I stop talking I tend to say sorry a lot, in fact me apologising incessantly is normally a clue that I’m not sure of some aspect of my current situation. She always tells me to calm down, that it’s okay, and to carry on. Nobody else treats me like that. She is amazing.

Brain dump complete.

2 thoughts on “Stimming like a muh fuh!

  1. JoJo, I love this post. The research phase, the “holy cow, I have *words* to describe how I’ve always been?!” phase, the “oh yeah, those *are* stims, aren’t they?” phase, and the “I’m more able to be myself” phase are all such important steps for those of us who are adults when we get our diagnoses. Thanks for writing this :)

  2. @E: Thanks. I wrote it last night. I came home from work stressed out and then I let something else stupid wind me up even more. This brain dump was very much required if I was to have any chance of actually sleeping rather than just laying in bed and thinking the night away.

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