Today has been difficult. I am terrible at socialising, at dealing with feelings and emotions. I made a mistake today, I answered a question and was way more honest than I should’ve been and I ended up making things awkward. I had to ask for a do-over. I felt really stupid for getting it so wrong. And so I was going to come here and vent a bit, explain how the motto “Practice makes perfect” doesn’t always hold, or at least not when it comes to aspies and friendship. When I did, I found a message on a previous post from my best friend. Yup, my best friend. I have a best friend.
I didn’t grow up with a diagnosis. I can only imagine that growing up understanding why and how I was different would have made it easier for me. I bailed on on more than one sleep over as a child, once at about 1am if I recall correctly. From all of my time at school, college and university I only have one lasting relationship. Never ever had a best friend. Never ever fit in. If you’d asked me even four years ago if I ever thought I would have friends then I’d have told you no. Never going to happen. I would’ve been wrong.
Joining twitter was the second best decision I ever made. Twitter allows me to communicate with people in a way that I can manage. I have developed relationships through twitter that have gone on to become proper friendships. My bro (Wayne – my brother from another mother) invited me to his wedding, heck, he even asked me to speak at his wedding!? Wayne didn’t know that I am selectively mute when tired/emotional/thinky. Actually getting the words out was tough, but I did it for him and Emma! I got to go on the honeymoon to Disneyland, that’s how much he loves me.
Maintaining friendships takes a lot of effort, I know I get things wrong all of the time, I know that that is never going to change, but I’ve found people who are willing to accept me for what I am and who know that my heart is in the right place. Whenever I make a mistake, I just pick myself up, brush myself off and start again. I say sorry a lot, in fact I often have to say sorry for saying sorry too much. None of my friends live close to me, I met all of them through twitter, but we all care about each other, we talk all the time, we look out for one another, I think that counts as friendship.
The best decision I ever made was asking for Lil’ Feet’s phone number. It took me ages to pluck up the courage to do it. She is amazing and I would never want to be without her. She is my best friend and I am very proud of that.