I’m always screaming my lungs out
Till my head starts spinning
Playing my songs is the way I cope with life
Won’t keep my voice down
Know the words I speak are the thoughts I think out loud

I like to keep things honest.
I’m a safe bet like your life’s staked on it, for real

The words to this song are perfect. I listen to music all of the time; if I’m not wearing my Beats, or there is seemingly no music playing, then I’m listening to  my own personal MP3 collection in my brain. I often find that songs contain words that express my thoughts far more clearly than I ever could. Sometimes I pick out single lines, other times whole songs. Often what the words mean to me couldn’t be further than the actual meaning as intended by the composer, but I don’t care. Quite often I’ll listen to the same album on repeat all day, sometimes even the same song. I guess that would drive an NT crazy, but I find it comforting. If I tweet a song lyric, or a link to a music video, there will always be a reason, it will never be random. In fact, I’m never random, even if you can’t see the link between the things I’m thinking, I assure you that it’s there. Sometimes it seems random because I just assume that people will join the dots up like I did. I guess you just have to try and keep up with me! :D

This post probably isn’t going to be as polished as I’d like. I’m typing it on my iPhone, which is actually not as tough or slow as I’d thought it might be. This is just a collection of my thoughts.

This whole aspie thing is still quite new to me. Clearly I’ve been me all of my life, but I’m still learning which aspects of me can be considered aspie traits. I’m consuming large amounts of data, mainly in the form of blogs and tweets from other people on the spectrum and in some cases the parents of people on the spectrum. It’s cool knowing there are others like me.

I’m just so tired from all the thinking. I feel like I could sleep for a million years. I’m balancing my “research” with my day job. I am a Software Developer and I am currently working on some very high profile projects which are all hitting crunch time.

I never used to think that I had any stims. I’m still not entirely sure if any of my self comfort techniques constitute stimming, but rest assured that I’m employing all of them to try and stave off shutting down. The only time I meltdown is when I’m fighting not to shutdown. It’s odd using those terms for something that for 27 years I had no name for. I’ve learnt that shutdowns are just part of who I am, they are necessary for me to be able to continue functioning. I tend to wring my hands a lot, I crack my knuckles, I have always had a tendency to bite my tongue and lips, I pace when I’m talking (I find it hard to stand still and talk/think), I listen to music my headphones. Eyes closed, headphones on, nodding my head and tapping my feet – paradise. In fact I’m listening to A Day To Remember at this very second. I talk to Lil’ Feet, I don’t think there’s been more than 24 hours that’s gone by where I haven’t text her. In general I find her very calming. It’s strange, I stop talking far more when I’m talking to her than with anyone else. I think it’s because I’m really being myself around her. She lets me ask loads of questions. So instead of just being quiet when I don’t understand something, I ask, I listen and I try and learn. My brain spins up to maximum when I’m talking to her. When I stop talking I tend to say sorry a lot, in fact me apologising incessantly is normally a clue that I’m not sure of some aspect of my current situation. She always tells me to calm down, that it’s okay, and to carry on. Nobody else treats me like that. She is amazing.

Brain dump complete.

A post in response to by this by @AutismMumma.

Today has been difficult. I am terrible at socialising, at dealing with feelings and emotions. I made a mistake today, I answered a question and was way more honest than I should’ve been and I ended up making things awkward. I had to ask for a do-over. I felt really stupid for getting it so wrong. And so I was going to come here and vent a bit, explain how the motto “Practice makes perfect” doesn’t always hold, or at least not when it comes to aspies and friendship. When I did, I found a message on a previous post from my best friend. Yup, my best friend. I have a best friend.

I didn’t grow up with a diagnosis. I can only imagine that growing up understanding why and how I was different would have made it easier for me. I bailed on on more than one sleep over as a child, once at about 1am if I recall correctly. From all of my time at school, college and university I only have one lasting relationship. Never ever had a best friend. Never ever fit in. If you’d asked me even four years ago if I ever thought I would have friends then I’d have told you no. Never going to happen. I would’ve been wrong.

Joining twitter was the second best decision I ever made. Twitter allows me to communicate with people in a way that I can manage. I have developed relationships through twitter that have gone on to become proper friendships. My bro (Wayne – my brother from another mother) invited me to his wedding, heck, he even asked me to speak at his wedding!? Wayne didn’t know that I am selectively mute when tired/emotional/thinky. Actually getting the words out was tough, but I did it for him and Emma! I got to go on the honeymoon to Disneyland, that’s how much he loves me.

Maintaining friendships takes a lot of effort, I know I get things wrong all of the time, I know that that is never going to change, but I’ve found people who are willing to accept me for what I am and who know that my heart is in the right place. Whenever I make a mistake, I just pick myself up, brush myself off and start again. I say sorry a lot, in fact I often have to say sorry for saying sorry too much. None of my friends live close to me, I met all of them through twitter, but we all care about each other, we talk all the time, we look out for one another, I think that counts as friendship.

The best decision I ever made was asking for Lil’ Feet’s phone number. It took me ages to pluck up the courage to do it. She is amazing and I would never want to be without her. She is my best friend and I am very proud of that.